I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize
