So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize
