I'm sorry my penis didn't work
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
