Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
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