And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
