my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
