So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Randomize
