I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
