Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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