so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
