my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
