Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
