While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Randomize
