Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Randomize
