I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
