I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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