John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
