Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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