Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
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