Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
