I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I could fuck to npr.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Randomize
