My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
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