dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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