You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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