next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
