gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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