I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Randomize
