CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
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