I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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