i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
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