Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
the liver wants what the liver wants
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
