"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
bhystjhitsjhtiajielrfrhaug
This is sufficient.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
