My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
try this...when you orgasm scream his address including city state and zip...
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
