saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
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