How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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