im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
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