it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Randomize
