I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
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