There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Randomize
