I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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