Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Randomize
