if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
