I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
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