Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
