I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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