Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
