We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Randomize
