I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
