Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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