i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Randomize
