Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Randomize