drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Randomize
