is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Randomize
