I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize