Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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